Are You A Second Banana?
Take a close look at how you are living your own life story.
Do you find yourself feeling like you are giving more to a relationship than you are getting? Are you spending your time as a cheerleader for others’ lives but not your own?
You might just be a second banana.
What is a second banana?
We see them on television and movies all the time. Lucy had Ethel, Batman has Robin, and Michael Scott had Dwight Shrute on The Office.
Ethel, Robin, and Dwight are second bananas.
The “second banana” originally described the dynamic of the supporting role of a comedy duo. Always there to lend a helping hand, offer a word of encouragement, and forego their own needs and plans. They are devoted beyond reason.
Ethel’s job was to make Lucy look good. In fact, Lucille Ball required Vivian Vance to be twenty pounds overweight playing Ethel. She always had to be “less than” Lucy for the relationship to work. Robin will always be the sidekick to Batman. Dwight consistently sought approval from Michael Scott not only because Michael was his boss, but Michael was also his “hero”.
Second banana fictional characters play a big role in making a storyline work, but can it work for real people?
The problem with being a full-time, real-life second banana is that you do not get to focus your energies, talents, and attention to your own life story. It may be a romantic partner, a sibling, a parent, a friend, or a work colleague who has you playing second banana.
The closer you are to this person, the more intrusive the influence may be. The time you spend as a second banana can range from short-term of a few weeks to long-term that can be decades. You may be going through a vulnerable period and not aware that you have slipped from supportive and caring friend to a second banana.
It has happened to me…
I have been through difficult times where I was especially vulnerable. When I was going through a difficult time with my family in high school, I was especially vulnerable. I had always been an exceptionally good student, but the stress I was under impacted my cognition, and I struggled to retain information. My self-confidence was low and, because there was no parent providing lunch or lunch money, I took a classmate up on sitting with her at lunch for lunch or milk money. I felt indebted and obliged, and the price evolved into walking away from my friends, avoiding “outshining” in fear of losing the relationship, and giving loyalty that was not returned.
Experiences like this impacted the path of my life story because of my lost confidence. It sometimes took decades for me to realize that I was the second banana when I was finally able to recognize that a friend or family member had no interest in understanding or appreciating me: my character, abilities, or dreams.
Now, I am more careful about investing in relationships. I do not want to be a second banana. I want to be the hero of my own life story.
Signs you might just be a second banana
· You give up your time and energy working on someone else’s life story and do not have the time and energy left for your own.
· Your time and help are expected not requested.
· You feel like you are always playing “sidekick”.
· You fear losing the relationship if you put yourself first or say “no”.
· You feel like you have to be “less than” or avoid shining.
· You discover that credit for your ideas and input are stolen.
Actions to take if you discover you are a second banana
1. Take stock of yourself and figure out what you really want to do instead of what you feel obliged to do.
2. Practice assertive behavior. State what you need and stand firm.
3. Work on areas of your life that make you vulnerable.
4. Take steps to find the path of your own life story.
5. Invest in yourself and expand your activities and circle of friends.
